In hurry? Top Tips here
“NO! No F**cking way! Why should I do it your way? I don’t want to. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel right. This is what I want. This is what my heart tells me that I want. This is my path. I choose this way…I am not here for you. This is my life”
The extract above is from a fierce free-writing exercise I did for myself many years ago on exploring what I truly want for myself. I found it recently in a notebook while de-cluttering. I had written a page on what I wanted to say No to and what I wanted to say Yes to with no holds barred, just letting my thoughts fly on to the page. It was a powerful and transformative experience and reading it reminded me of how much I have developed in that area.
Are you a people pleaser?
People-pleasing is a horribly limiting habit that can cause pain and havoc in both work and life. As a small business owner or a freelancer the penalties can be very harsh such as earning less when you offer a discount you didn’t really want to offer or worse, you end up working for free. Or you end up taking on a job you didn’t really have time for and bitterly mourn the lost time you could have spent with loved ones as you burn the midnight oil yet again.
I know about all of these things of course because I‘ve done them. I’ve said Yes many times in the past to just please someone (or to please some ideal in my own mind) and then 5 minutes (or months) later, totally regretted it. I’ve said yes to things I knew I really meant ‘no’ to even as the word ‘ yes’ was racing out my mouth.
A few months ago I slipped back into that habit and undercharged a client. I quoted for a job in a hurry and later my amazing husband called me out on it. After arguing with him that everything was ok I finally told the truth and admitted it had been a mistake. So I built up my courage, called the (new) client back, asked more questions about what they needed and gracefully re-negotiated the fee. They were completely happy with this because they could see I was making sure they got what they needed.
Many of us have some element of people-pleaser in us. For some of us it arises when we are with our parents, for others when we are dealing with authority, and for others when we are dealing with someone else’s vulnerability and we don’t want to let them down.
I have worked for a loooong time on how to be myself while at the same time allowing others to be who they are too. I felt I could never quite get the balance right between being either aggressively assertive or quietly compliant. It has been quite a journey during which time I have challenged bullying behaviour, let go of relationships where I felt used, and stood up for myself.
I now know that to be fully myself I need to be able to mean Yes when I say Yes and No when I say No. It’s something I coach a lot of my clients on because sometimes it’s not a case of saying a simple word. It can mean saying No to a lifestyle that doesn’t really work and saying Yes to a whole new future that scares you.
5 Top Tips to let go of people-pleasing
For me, a big part of letting go of my people-pleasing habit has been to pause and reflect. Here are 5 thoughts and habits that have helped me:
- Remind myself that my life is totally my own to shape as I wish
- Check in with how my body feels – a very good barometer for me
- Remember it’s ok to not want to be around something or someone, even if everyone else loves it or them
- Remember that no matter how weak and scared I feel, I can still open my mouth and speak, even if it’s in a shaky voice
- If I feel someone is putting me under pressure I can say, ‘I’ll think about it’, I don’t have to answer or make an agreement immediately
