So I gave myself an annual gift of taking the whole of August off and I absolutely LOVED it. This is the third year I have decided not to work during August and this year I had a strong urge to read and learn as well as chill out.
When I was a child, my mother used to say, ‘Melanie always has her head in a book’ and it’s true: books were an early love of mine. Over the years I have digested a tonne of books, journals and reports for my degree studies, for my coaching training, for my consulting work and many novels for pure pleasure. I also have a sizeable library of self-help books and I have grown a bit tired of the more formulaic ones. However the following three books I really loved and I highly, highly recommend them. They all offered something a bit different and they all moved me in some way.
A quick digression: I typically work with adults but about seven years ago I was asked to run a creative workshop in a school, working with about four separate groups of pupils who had been brought together. I went into the workshop with the intention of the participants having fun, doing their best and learning something new. I love creativity and was excited about working with young minds. During the workshop, a few pupils got stuck and couldn’t come up with any ideas at first so I gently (and somewhat excitedly) encouraged them to push on and just trust themselves. It all went really well, everyone had a good time and did really well.
After they had all left, one of the teachers was telling me how she couldn’t believe how well the group with ‘special educational needs’ had done and that they wouldn’t normally engage so much in a workshop process let alone produce and take ownership of such good work. No-one had briefed me that anyone in the group had any particular requirements and it looks like that was a good thing on that day: I didn’t come in with any preconceptions about what they could do, I just trusted that everyone had the capacity to learn and grow. It scares me sometimes how easy it is to underestimate what someone is capable of and we all do it, especially to ourselves. [related reading: Hold that Thought!]
Your Mindset Matters
I remembered this incident while reading Mindset: How You Can Fulfil Your Potential
by Carol Dwek– this fascinating book is all about how having a ‘growth mindset’ is far better than having a ‘fixed mindset’. In other words, it’s almost always possible for you to be learning and grow and get better results instead of feeling you are stuck with the same set of capabilities throughout life. As a coach, I help people recognise and change their mindsets every day, so of course was super curious to learn more about the research and science behind this theory.
When I looked at the Amazon book reviews, several people had made the criticism that the book has just one point and then reiterates it all the way through. Those reviews almost put me off in the same way that TripAdvisor can put you off you ever stepping foot inside anything less than a 5-star hotel! I’m glad I ignored the naysayers and ordered the book. I actually found it engrossing, based on in-depth studies and filled with inspirational examples from different areas of life.
I thought I had a fairly healthy growth mindset when I started reading the book but it challenged me to realise that, of course, I still have many unconscious limitations that are worth bringing to the light and releasing.
Extract from book:
“Garfield High School was one of the worst schools in Los Angeles. To say that the teachers were turned off and the teachers burned out is an understatement. But without thinking twice, Jaime Excalante taught these inner-city Hispanic students college-level calculus. With his growth mindset, he asked, “How can I teach them? “ not “Can I teach them’? and, “How will they learn best?” not, “Can they learn?”… But not only did he teach them calculus, he took them to the top of the national charts in math”
My top takeaway from this book: keep learning and growing, you are capable of way more than you think.
The Language of Love
The 5 Love Languages
by Gary Chapman was actually given to me as a gift by a dear friend when I got married in 2005 and I only got round to reading it this August, (I have quite a few books on my shelf I am yet to read.). I am so glad I did as it really made me think twice. I must have had a fixed mindset when it came to my marriage which sounded something like, “It’s already great, we are happy and we love each other and we’ve both done a lot of communication training, so there’s not much more to learn here”. I initially thought the title was a bit cheesy and it’s the type of book I would not normally contemplate buying for myself. But I found it made me think carefully about how I show my husband that I love him. Chapman argues that from an early age we all learn different ways, called ‘love languages’, to feel and show love. These are, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. If we can recognise and understand these languages in ourselves and others we are more able to ask for what we want and to give our partner what they want. I didn’t tell my husband I was reading it and I ‘experimented’ by trying out what I guessed was his preferred language on him during a day out to celebrate his birthday. It worked amazingly well: we had a beautiful, memorable day together and he kept thanking me for it for weeks afterwards, (I’ve just shown him this blog and so now he knows!).
Extract from book:
“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me, something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline… It does not require the euphoria of the ‘in love’ experience… In fact true love cannot begin until the ‘in love experience has run its course”
My top takeaway from this book: we all have different ways of feeling loved, don’t assume that you already know what makes your partner feel deeply loved.
Being Vulnerable
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
by Brene Brown is possibly the best-known book/author of this bunch as her TED talk is one of the most watched, (5 million viewers and counting – an experience that the author found placed her in a super scary, very public and very vulnerable position!). This is a beautiful book that argues for the power and strength in vulnerability. What I like about it is how she subtly gets you to realise where you are unconsciously covering up your own vulnerability. She also gives suggestions on how to recognise and manage the pain that can come with shame. This is an essential topic for our time, perhaps especially for boys and men who are trained by society from an early age to be tough and block out their ‘weaker’ emotions. At first, I read it from a more objective stance but then it started to get to me. While reading the book I had a work incident where I made a very small (but to my mind, extremely stupid) mistake while taking to a client: she mentioned someone who is very well-known in my field and I didn’t know who they were and I felt like a complete idiot. I experienced shame for a while before I could finally laugh about it. Brown reminds us that we all have these experiences and it’s ok.
Extract from book:
“…it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we’re hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviours and to attack or shame others”
My top takeaway from this book: I have to confess I haven’t quite finished this one yet but so far my takeaway is: embrace your vulnerability and give yourself a freakin’ break from non-stop self-criticism!
Over to you
Have you read these books? What books did you read this Summer? Any you would highly recommend? What did you learn this Summer? Do leave a comment below, I’d love to hear your views.
